She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
