I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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