I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
