Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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