My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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