I heard we made out
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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