Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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