he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
