I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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