I must be too annoying 4 u.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
