My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You are the jesus of drinking
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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