Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
