guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
