When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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