I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
