Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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