News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
