nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
