You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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