Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
