If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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