im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i dont even know how to be here
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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