Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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