I just saw a hot homeless man
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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