i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I need moral support for this bender
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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