oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
