You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
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He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
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They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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