when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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