i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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