i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
