My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
