i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
