You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
