She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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