My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
