well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
