Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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