How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
