I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
