Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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