There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
