I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
