I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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