Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
