and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
