I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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