now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
