I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
