Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
