I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
