ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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