i think my tv is drunk
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
