He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
