I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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