I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
