So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
