Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
