You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
