They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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