how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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